I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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