I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize