I need help removing her.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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