he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
