I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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