Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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