You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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