His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
