I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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