it hurts more in the daytime
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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