what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
