I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
