better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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