Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
