hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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