I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
