i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
whose parrot is this?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
