Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
