her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
