I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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