I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
