I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
