textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
