Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
