You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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