today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize