My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
