ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
