she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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