I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
