piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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