My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize