feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
