I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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