my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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