she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
