I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
