its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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