i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
