he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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