why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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