he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
