I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize