I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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