i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
