there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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