every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
