Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Congratulations! We have a period
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
