dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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