Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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