Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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