In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
