I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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