so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
