god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
