I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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