i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
