i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
