watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
